Estrangement: How do you Reconcile with a Prodigal — Dick Forbes

Dick Forbes speaking to Parents of Prodigals support group about how to get through the pain of estrangement.

When estrangement hits us with our kids, for whatever reason, including addiction, it creates absence in a normal parent child relationship. NOTHING in life prepares us for this heartbreaking situation. Dick talks about some specific strategies that will help you as a parent to address this difficult and painful circumstance.

Dick Forbes is President of Forbes Counseling Services, and has over 30 years experience counseling individuals, couples and families on a variety of issues including conflict, stress, trauma, depression, addiction, and marriage and family issues. Mr. Forbes also assists organizations with training initiatives related to organizational change, coaching, team development, diversity, goal setting and multiple management issues designed to enhance organizational effectiveness.

Mr. Forbes holds a bachelor’s degree in psychology from Georgia State University and a Masters degree in counseling from Western, located in Portland, Oregon.

TRANSCRIPT

This is something that life doesn't prepare us for. Estrangement with your kid the most heart wrenching thing a parent can go through other than death. You go to bed thinking's about it. You wake up thinking about it. It's constantly on your mind. It's a constant pain that there, and with that comes shame. You wonder, "What did I do wrong as a parent?" 

The reason I got interested in this, I've got a personal story. I've got 3 children and they are all grown adults. My oldest son has special needs, and he still lives with his mom, but two of them I haven't spoken to in almost 12 years now. This is my journey through this. How do I deal with it?

Stop asking why

You've got stop asking the philosophical question of why: why did this happen?. Instead you've got to ask the practical question of how: how do I get through this? You become experts because of what you've been through. So I have become an expert about estrangement. Whatever you circumstances, I dod understand what that pain is like, and that there is such an element of shame that is associated with it at times. I want to lay a foundation with that. 

In Shakespeare's Macbeth Act 4, MacDuff is talking and says: "New widows howl, new orphans cry, new sorrows Strike heaven on the face."

And that is so true. When we go through this pain, there is sorrow that strikes heaven in the face. There is a pain. It's a pain that no earthly comfort can help. 

It’s in the Bible

The Biblical story of this is the prodigal son story. Here was this dad. I know it's a story. These aren't real characters, but Jesus is telling the story, and it's so pointed about life in general. Here was this dad who has to let his son go. Whatever the circumstance (what is a personality conflict?) we don't know. We don't know what the circumstances were other than he was just a selfish little twerp. That's kind of how you read it. "Give me my money so I can go" And he leaves, but we don't know how long he was gone or what it was like but I have to tell you identifying with that dad, he look down that road every day. "Maybe today... maybe today...maybe today." And we don't know how long that went. Cuulturally his older brother should've gone out and jerked a knot in his head, and said, "Look what you're doing to dad" But we know the elder brother story too. 

What did this dad go through? When you look at him, what did he not do? He didn't chase. He didn't go after him. He didn't text him. He didn't have an email address for him. He didn't. He knew that his son was better off in the hands of God than in his own hands. That was the conclusion he came to. There were a lot of lessons that you and I have to look at because letting go is one of the hardest things because we get anxious, worried, and fearful all built up inside of us when we're having to face something like this. I have to let my child go and leave him in the hands of God.

My parents did not teach me how to lose

So what are we left with this happens to us? What do we deal with on a daily basis? Fear, anger, anxiety, depression. It's just there when you go through something like this. We don't know how to cope with it, when loss hits us. Because, I don't know about you, but when I was growing up my parents did not teach me how to lose. They taught me how to get. Do you get a birthday present you get a bicycle, you get a puppy. Get an education, you get a house, you get in debt. We are taught all our lives to get, but you know when we loss hits us we are so out of touch with how to really deal with it. This is a loss. They are not dead, but it's still a loss. It's something very grievous in our life that we have to go through. And this just isn't about your prodigal child, this is about you and me. 

Archbishop William Temple who was Archbishop of Canterbury in England in the 1940s. A brilliant man. I read a lot of his stuff, but he has this one quote that went through me like a bullet. He said, "religion is what we do in solitude." What he meant by that is, what do you and I think about when we have nothing to think about? I went "ouch. I ain't God. When you are in an estranged relationship with your child, what are you thinking about? You're thinking about that kid. It's all you think about. It's just there in the forefront and it doesn't seem like there's any relief from that that's going on. Bishop was right. Our minds are in so many different places. The verse "Be still and know that I am God." When I'm still I'm thinking about all that's going on around me. The healing process is to be able to think about this, but it doesn't destroy me. 

We have to stop parenting out of fear

We knee jerk. It's called "fear based decisions". Fear comes out as a parent as anger, control, last work freak, and need to be right, and enabling. It's all fear based. Fear based decisions are normally wrong. Am I making a fear based decision. Anger is about having to control the situation, one-upmanship. When I read the scripture, I read that "perfect love casts out fear."

You can’t change other people

Our greatest fears are in our nightmares. If you're like me, it's about our kids. How do I deal with this fear? I love this illustration. I got it from an Al-Anon meeting. This girl walks in tattooed and pierce and she walks into this hula hoop. She takes this hula hoop and puts it on the ground, and stood int he middle of it. She said everything inside of this hula hoop is my business. Everything outside of this hula hoop is not my business. Don't have a dog in that fight. It's not my circus. It's not my monkeys. When we focus on someone else's behavior outside the hoop, we get angry, we get resentful, we get anxious. We are focused on something we cannot control. I can't fix other people. I can't change other people. I can't make them do the right thing. That's so true with addictions. It's true with our children sometimes. We are trying to do something that's impossible. 

Drew Dillard said, "We are as happy as our unhappiest child is." Ain't that the truth.

How do I deal with this whole thing?  Terrible things happen to good people. They just do. Horrible things happen to children of God. In John 9, the disciples and Jesus come to a blind man and the disciples ask him who's sin made him this way? Jesus said "Neither. It's so I can be glorified." 

Linear Thinking

When we think about going through this, we have to throw linear thinking out the window. Linear thinking means, if I live a good life, I'll have a good life. If I live a bad life, I'll have a bad life. For you and I to be equipped to go through greatness in this life, we have to go through brokenness, suffering, the pain. I don't know why you are going through this specifically. I'm 12 years out of this in any story, and there are days when I'm grateful because of what it's taught me to be a better man, a better husband, because of that pain. Because I have to take a hard look at them. 

Shakespeare wrote in Hamlet, "More things of heaven and earth are dreamt of Horatio then you're puny philosophy." The things we dream of in heaven, those things are greater than any philosophy we have here on earth. 

We think about us. Our sorry, Our pain. We get very introspective when we go through suffering. It's all about us. There's a pithy saying that says "Hurt people hurt people". So that moment when we do have contact with our estranged child, we want them to hurt. "You don't know what you're putting me through" we might say. "You don't know the pain you've caused me." Suffering can make us bitter instead of better. 

Alienation

There's a difference between alienation and estrangement. This happens often in divorce. They can feed the kid so many things that turns them agains the other parents. They're often untruths. Little kids tend to drink the kool aid and believe that parent. They become alienated.

Sometimes the parent can't control it. Did you choose for this to happen? No. Your kid did. Especially with adult children. I was so ashamed about this for so long. I was a Christian counselor. A well meaning pastor once asked me, "How do you counsel couples if you're divorced?" I looked at him and said, "Through my own pain. I identify with them. I understand what they are going through." He actually called me later to apologize. 

Sometimes friends and family can fuel the fire.

"Look what they did to you. You've gotta cut them off." Well intentioned but not helpful. Sometimes estrangement is the only viable option if abuse is part of the story. Some parents are just downright poisonous. 

It's common to pin the reason on something else. But you and I as a parent we don't know what we did. We are left in the dark. There's no reconciling, bargaining, explaining. We have to go on. We think we must have done something wrong. Not always. The reality is that the child made the choice. They chose to separate from the family. They will have lots of excuses and reasons about how terrible you are. But don't forget that the adult child has to be struggling too. What drove them to such pain that they had to leave? It's a two-way street here. It's not just us and our pain. Some kids do distance themselves and some don't. Humans have a fight or flight mindset. They don't want to deal with conflict. Sometimes it's a lack of maturity. They don't want to deal with the strong emotions at home. They don't know of anything else to do but flee. 

Hypothetical situation

Our son Joe graduated from college. A pretty good kid. Like a lot of kids, he's going to live at home for a while. But he really starts living at home. He's not getting up. He's sleeping til noon. He makes no effort to help. Leaves dirt dishes. He's disrespectful. As parents how would you react? "What's wrong with you?" Start nagging them. You start getting on their case every day. What are you going to do today? Now here's Joe. What do you think Joe's thinking about his parents? "Golly! They're horrible!" In his minds, he's thinking "Get off my case." The more they nag, the more he digs his heals in. When you had children and you told them not to eat those cookies, what did they want? Those cookies. It's the same principle with our adult children. Joe's parents are concerned. Where will he end up? This is where it starts? Joe's not taking responsibility for his life, and his parents aren't taking responsibility for them. What are they willing and not willing to put up with? It's your house, your home, your rules. He's an adult kid, but if I allow it to go on, then I become an enabler. I can scream and shout and fuss all day long. But if I put up with it, then I'm parenting out of fear. I don't want him to leave. He has no place to go. He might end up in box on a street. Well good. He might have to sleep in his car. Well good. It's uncomfortable in a car. 

Am I parenting out of fear? I hear this all the time with parents especially with adult children dealing with addiction. Maybe the kids been in and out of treatment and their back home and don't know what to do. I going, "Who pays for the cell phone?" They say, "We do." "Who pays for their car insurance?" "We do." "Where do they get gas money." "We give it to him." The tough love approach sometimes has to come into play. What am I so afraid of with clarifying what the boundaries are in this situation.

Now Joe eventually moved out. He's got that fight or flight. He avoids conflict so me moves out. He doesn't tell his parents where he went and has no contact with them for over a year. His response is to do nothing but distance ourselves from a conflict. When we distance ourselves from the problem, does it go away. No, the problem is still there. You and your child are still emotionally intertwined with each other. Because you're both living with the same problem.They're thinking about in the process. It might not be nice thoughts, but they are thinking about you. Joe is still emotionally bound up in this situation. Neither one are free from the original problem. 

Extreme Distancing

Extreme distancing is cutting off. No contact. They changed the phone number. No email. It usually occurs after long periods of conflict. It's usually a sudden knee jerk reaction: "I gotta get out of here." You might have a child with some addictions, and you're pleading with them to stop. What do they do? Bye bye. They're seeing you as the problem because they don't think they have a problem. They cut you off because usually they do not have the resolution or the maturity to address the problem. You and I have some years of wisdom under they belt, but they're handicapped. It's up to us.

Mirroring

Am I mirroring my child in my behavior? If you're angry at me, I'm going to be angry right back. It's a great sales technique. Couples do this. It leads to trouble. 

You feel powerless when you get cut off. 

HOW TOs

1. Get some support

This is an isolating disorder. Church people are sometimes the worse about isolation. Proverbs says that sometimes a kid goes off the rails. When we isolate we become self-destructive, depressed, anxious. 

We go through a grief process. No one taught me how to go through grief. We have to build a foundation other than the restoration with your child. Because what if that person comes home and then leaves again? Or never comes home? Or dies? No one person can meet all the needs in your life. 

We feel failure. We have lost our ability to parent. No one can identify what we are going through. We say, I know God forgives me, but I can't forgive myself. What that tells me is number 1 that God's forgiveness isn't real to us. It's abstract. It's intellectual. And the unforgiveness of yourself is the idol that's still beating you up. Until I understand the absolute grace of God that no matter how bad I screw up, God still loves and forgives us. 

Be careful with friends and families. Sometimes the way they defend and stick up for you isn't helpful. Sometimes you may need some professional help, but usually a group setting helped. 

I wish church acted more like an AA meeting. The confession and failures are just put out there, and there's grace in those meetings.

2. Don't cut off the response

Don't get in the tit for tat kind of stuff. "My kids not contacting me. Well the heck with them, I'm not contacting them either." We want to hurt them back. That's the tendency of the human heart. We get ourselves into trouble. Don't cut off the communication. Acknowledge the birthdays, the holidays, I text them about every 3 or 4 weeks: "Love ya. How are you doing? Just thinking about you. Proud of ya." Don't ask anything of them. Every once in a while I'll say, "I'd love to see you," or "I'd love to meet you for dinner." It takes courage to do that because we are hurt so bad. Don't ask anything. Don't judge. They're hearing it. Occasionally write letters of apology and we are willing to make amends. It takes absolute strength and courage to not cut off communication. 

What they are doing is emotional blackmail. They are trying to hold us hostage. 

3. Don't feed the anger

You've got to deal with the anger. It's secondary emotion. Something always comes before anger. It's usually fear or hurt. Usually in this case it's hurt. Anger is necessary and natural, but it's not always helpful. When I don't deal with the anger, I go into self-righteousness. "All the money I spent on you. All the sacrifice I made for you." When you're a parent of little kids, you are tired and you're broke all the time. You think back to all that and you think they don't appreciate anything you did for them. We want to send that message. That's where the hurt and wounds are. 

That brings us to the fork in the road. It makes us bitter or better. It leads us to a profound lesson. We're not in control. We never were in control. If we were a good parent, then often we thought we were in control. That we raised good kids. We're not in control.

3. Communicate back without defending yourself

This is the hardest one of all. What do we want to do? We want to correct all the lies. Tell them it didn't happen. But the moment you do that it's done. They will cut you off. They'll say, "See he hasn't changed." In their mind, their perception of what took place is very real to them. Now 90% of it may not even be true. But it's true to them. You're hearing hurtful things. You're being misunderstood. And that hurt is just so deep inside. Remember, there was something that was hurtful enough that they had to leave. You may not even know what it was. As a parent we all look back and know there were some things we should've or could've done. They may need to hold on to their blame to feel safe, to deal with their own anxiety. 

4. Focus on yourself and not your child

You've got to control your emotions and what comes out of your mouth. That's something you actually can control. That's inside your hula hoop. I've got to focus on myself and changing me in the process. I bet the dad in the prodigal son story had a lot of introspection about himself. Because what did he do when the son came back? He threw him a party. He was able to do that. He ran out and pounced on his son, and wouldn't even let him tell his story about how he wanted to be a hired hand. 

5. Get to know your child as they are not as they were.

What are the like as an adult. We have both changed a lot. Try to understand them. 

There is always hope. "Never never never give up" - Churchilll

6. Be consistent in your message. 

You make amends. You tell them how proud you are, how much you love them. Don't cut them off. 

7. Own your mistakes

They are not unforgivable. Ask for forgiveness. Own it. It brings about humility and lowliness. 

8. Again, get some support

Psalm 38:14 "The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit"

Isaiah 42:3 "A bruised reed he will not break. A smoldering wick he will not put out."

Psalm 88 (last verse) "Darkness is a better friend than you are God."

Way more spiritual people than you are have gone through these kinds of trials.

Isaiah 43:2 "When you pass through the waters I will be with you. And when you walk through the fire, you will not be burned, the flames will not set you ablaze."

There's great comfort in Scripture. The thing that saved me through this is that I decided to know God. I made a commitment to not neglect the disciplines of prayer, of reading, and of writing. It doesn't happen instantaneously, and weeks and months may go by, but you begin to get a little bit of traction. And that is probably the most vital thing that you can do right now is to lean on the arm of the Savior who does comfort us in these afflictions that we have.